Someone very bad did shit in Ellen Graves brain. After that she called herself Jasmuheen and communicated with the count of Saint Germain, who died in 1784, via her "cosmic telephone".
But thats not all, she also had a new favourite dish: light. To make it sound cooler she called it prana. From her piont of view prana is both drink- and eatable and everything you need for living.
Every normal human being would think: "Richtig! Lightbulbs are the new convenience food and discotheques are the new restaurants. But not only Jasmuheen, other people believed that, too. Three of them died, when they tried to execute her 21-days-programme. Jasmuheen herself was under constant surveillance by a camera team and suggested they should lock her in to prove she needs neither eating or drinking. well done, jasmuheen: on day 5 they stopped the experiment, because she was totally dehydrated and talking even more nonsense than before.



This story about the breatharians inspired me. If there are so many people all around the world who believe that prana shit, they would also buy the extremely overpriced prana-pants in my online shop. and they would work in my factory and would accept their wage in lux.

Dear Jasmuheen, if you read this, while you have a big peace of prana with light cream, you are probably annoyed that you did not came up with that yourself. But you know what? I dont care. you can pick up your cosmic phone and complain to the Count of Saint Germain.

glossary
Richtig - Yeah, right!

most of us know the vaginas of spears and hilton by sight. the it-girls dont wear panties because they love freedom or PR and then get off their cars very clumsy to give paparazzi their beaver shot. why do these girls do that? could be that their stylist forgot about that or they have just visited dr.matlock and want to show off their new designer-vagina.
i dont like that. just imagine all that mocks and tuberkel in restaurants and clubs crawling inte the celeb-vents. and the hair that used to protect this sensitive entrance in the old days is gone due to sociocultural changes (now we only like hair on the head).
but still the picture of a celebrity vagina is called beaver shot. but the beaver is very hairy.
my suggestion: catch up the zeitgeist and call it what it is: a sand puppy shot. because the it-girl-mumus are the spitting image of a cute sand puppy.


beaver sand puppy shot of an it-girl mumu


glossary:
mocks and tuberkel - old school colloquial for disgusting stuff
mumu - colloquial for vagina (female)

some diseases are quite simply horrible. achillobursitis is as bad as tonsilitis or Fusspilz. but there are diseases that have something good in them. here are three examples of syndromes that can help you out of a schlamassel.

cataplexia
imagine this: your friend is telling you a very, very boring story. VERY boring, i mean. you fight it, but it doesnt help: you fall asleep. your friend wakes you up and is offended: "You never listen to me", he says. "Do you find my stories boring?"
Now you can answer: "Au contraire, my dear. I suffer from cataplexia, that means when i am very excited my muscle lose its tension. am i just a little excited, i can only not move my tongue, but listening to stories like yours make my whole body break down." and if you turn around and continue your nap, your friend will do anything but not be mad at you (probably he will proceed his blahblahblah).


always victims of stupid jokes: people with cataplexia


Balint-syndrome
you are drunk as hell, try to get your glass, miss it and knock it over. you look very confused at your clique. your friends look like a pulp of very beautiful colors. they laugh and say: "Go home, you are far too drunk." Here is what you can answer while you order the next round: "Friends, you are very wrong. Thats the balint syndrome. due to optic ataxy i cannot control my vision and my grip-moves. the reason, that i cannot look straight at one of you is therefore not the 17 screwdrivers but a very sad disease." they will shut up quicker that katie holmes when tom cruise lifts his hand and probably also pay for your next drinks.


Alien-Hand-syndrome
you are in a restaurant. the table next to you is full of stupid assholes being loud and annoying. you take a sip of your drink with your right hand, where as the left hand grabs a plate and smashes it onto the biggest assholes head. After the bleeding has stopped this asshole would probably very upset, but only till you explain:
"this is the alien-hand-syndrome, a neurological disturbance, because of which i am only able to control one of my hands."
and when he wanted to hit you in the first place, he will quick as the blitz apologize to you and probably give you a ride home (if you sit in the back).

glossary:
Fusspilz - Athlete's foot (at least this is what the dictionary says. weird)
Schlamassel - mess
blitz - flash

I dont have a problem watching big flesh wounds or splattered bones coming out of an injured body. If I see, lets say, a rugbyplayer with a very big blood blister on his left ear, i dont want to leave - but puncture it. I can watch someone puke without turning a hair. and you can watch me puke when i see naked feet. I am a big activist for legal compulsion of socks, or even better, shoes, even in the swimming pools, bedrooms or in closed rooms in thailand.
I am afraid of feet touching me. the worst are the toenails. if my husband touches me it gives me the creeps, and he is the person in this world i like most.
noone needs toenails.if he accidently touches me with his toenails during the night in bed i am so disgusted i cannot fall asleep again.
if i have to cut my toenails I lock myself into the bathroom and have to conquer myself for hours.
pedicurists are the most underpaid profession in the whole world. imagine: they try to make the best out of feet that old that marched in front of the führer.
my demand for the evolution: regress toenails, reduce feed to a minimum. thank you. auf wiedersehen.


glossary
führer - leader. in this case i meant a.hitler who mislead germany 1933-1945
auf wiedersehen - goodbye

Willkommen 2007! Auf Wiedersehen intactness!

For the upcoming year, my horoscope predicts me, i will get fat. of course i was offended by this prediction and made resolutions. loads. no cigarettes, healthy diet and - achtung - wellness. i wanted to flip the new year the bird and went to a spa with my husband. sauna, aroma shower, aura fotografie and all Pipapo. Especially with annoying people. Before I had the chance to shower i got the first question: "Oh, what a nice tattoo. It is very new, isnt it?" She was not tattooed and surprised when i told her it was very old. "Really? But unsually tattoos turn blue after some time."
This woman must choose tattoo artist like beauty surgeon. Her breast enhancement was a complete flop. The scars marked the beginning of her breasts in a very prominent manner and her nipples were not placed where they should be but right next to the collarbones.
Of course i did not say anything to her. And i also did not say anything to the other annoying people. I am just too polite.
One of them was very down with the man who did the Aufguss and thought this would make him cool "Hey, tell me which Aufguss you do next. Oh, you dont know yet? What about cedarwood with a touch of almond?" After that suggestion he felt as if he had just inspired stephen b. hawking to write a new book. and did i mention how small his penis was? But this self-congratulatory asshole carried around his tiny willy full of pride and and additionally assured everyone took a glimpse at this heveanly stroke of genius by groaning very loud. ÄTZEND!
But nothing should keep me from my relaxation. Why should they anyway, if i could do that myself? In the pool i felt the urge to do some artistic moves. so i showed my husband a few flic-flacs. then it happened: during jumping i lost my bikini pants. my hands grabbed the pants instead of supporting me during the flic-flac at the ground of the pool so that i landed right on my face.
i lost my right contact lens, had a huge bump on my forehead and my nose hurt like hell. but i neither smoked nor gained weight.


glossary
Willkommen - welcome
Auf Wiedersehen - goodbye
Aufguss - putting water on the stones in the sauna
achtung - attention
mit allem Pipapo - with all the trimmings
Ätzend - awful

This happy young man is jie jie and obviously has three arms. it could have been worse: 4 kneecaps for example would be much less practicable. But mother earth gave him three arms, and that really was a gift. Think about what he can do with them:

- he can stir the pasta sauce WHILE he strains the spaghettis
- he can drink beer, smoke AND make out
- he can box like ali and will never get a liver punch
- he can applaude AND throw his hat in the air

The latter he will probably never do again. Because the doctors did not only take away those opportunities by removing his arm. These Blitzbirnen took away the more functional arm instead of the not so well developed. Hallo?


And as if Jie Jie knew what he will miss, he does not look too happy after the operation. i would love to know how his parents explain this to him.


glossary:
mit links machen - (literary translated: do something with the left hand) to do sth. blind fold
blitzbirnen - idiots
Hallo? - Hello?