for longer than 10 years i had six fingers on my right hand, and the cigarette was my favourite finger. i smoked because i wanted to look cool or when i was stressed out. i smoked because i was about to do something important or because i have been frightened. most of the times i just smoked because i could. i loved it.
once i did not love it so much, so i read this quit smoking-book by allen carr. i hated it so much that i started writing a book for him "The Easy Way To Stop Writing Self-Helping Books". I never managed to finish it. And i didnt quit smoking either.

years later i drove to thailand with just a few of my own cigarettes. i had to smoke the thai cigarettes which contain more poison than juschtschenkos lunch. right after inhaling the thick, acidly smoke spreads right under my skullcap and made my whole body feel awful. i hardly smoked, but on new years eve i had a few too many singha beers so i felt the urge to smoke. i managed to smoke a whole box. what can i say? i was wahnsinnig!

the next morning i begged my body on my knees to accept my apology. but it showed no mercy at all. under my skin i could feel the disgusting, black layer that did neither let poison out nor oxygen in. and it was even worse: the whole day my hands were shaking from convulsions (sometimes my legs and even my face), as if i got small electrical shocks. thai cigarettes spoilt my smoking party. since that night i have never touched a cigarette again.

so if you think about quitting smoking, get yourself some cigarettes from thailand (might be that the polish cigarettes work out, too) and smoke at least 20 of them whilst you drink roundabout 10 bottles of beer. everything should be finished within a few hours. i promise, you cannot feel scheisser.
and if it works out, you are more than invited to give me 7,90 €, this is how much this smartassbook costs.


glossary:
wahnsinnig - crazy
scheisser - shittier

I am a fan. A bit of the FC St. Pauli, but most of the time I just go there to drink beer and watch soccer people. People like me are disdainfully called Modefans. Never ever will I be able to make myself an important part of the St. Pauli Fankultur even though I have a Dauerkarte. This is why I decided to be a Fan of something else. You might find it weird, but: I am a fan of my dermatologist. Ok, I dont wear fan scarfs with her name and i dont do chants when I go to see her ("acnes going home" etc.). It is more like a silent worshipping coming straight from the heart.
the reason for this fanship is easy. When I was pestered by postpubertarian acne, she prescripted me a very hard medication without batting an eye. The pills turned my skin inside out and back and after that my skin was flawless. Even better was her explanation of the pills: "This medicament is usually for people with acne that bad that they are social outlaws and thinking of suicide."
This lady talks turkey. Grossartig!
So she did yesterday when I came to see her after some time. I asked her to remove three moles from my face. Her answer was hilarious: "I am going to burn them away. It will look as if someone had stubbed out a cigarette in your face, after about 5 days the scab will fall off and then it will heal for about four weeks. thats 100 euros."
I was not convinced. "I will get married in a few weeks. Should we do it after the wedding?"
"Yeah well, the wounds could ignite, then you could have a disgusting abscess an you might have to go to hospital. You know what? Ich habe schon Pferde kotze sehen: lets do it afterwards."

She shook my hand and we said goodbye. Of course I was very impressed and glad that I was already a fan. What a lady!

And this lady has an ad in her waiting room advertising beauty things, e.g. it says: DIE Weihnachtsüberraschung: Botox. And I would love to be present when she tells a client in her incomparable honest way: "It was about time for you. But stop dreaming: I can make your look more relaxed, but you will still have this gigantic, ugly nose and this scheisse as hell haircut."

what shall i say? i am a fan. but this adoration does not make me blind, and i have something someone to critisize: her receptionist. She is everything but a good example of beauty injections. Her upper lip is as numb as stephen b hawkings buttcheeks. Her brain does not seem to be very active either. Very bored she hangs out at the reception browsing the intouch. sometimes she picks up the phone. sometimes she doesnt.
not even this blitzbirne can keep me away from adoring the dermatologist. because i always imagine my dermatologist telling her receptionist how kacke she looks.


glossary:
Modefan - someone who only goes to FC St. Pauli soccer matches because its cool and you can drink beer and meet friends.
grossartig - great
"Ich habe schon Pferde kotzen sehen" - short form of "Ich habe schon Pferde vor der Apotheke kotzen sehen" which can be translated as: "I have seen horses puke in front of a drug store". but the actual meaning is: even things that seem safe can go wrong.
blitzbirne - flash bulb, colloquial for chucklehead
kacke - shitty

Someone very bad did shit in Ellen Graves brain. After that she called herself Jasmuheen and communicated with the count of Saint Germain, who died in 1784, via her "cosmic telephone".
But thats not all, she also had a new favourite dish: light. To make it sound cooler she called it prana. From her piont of view prana is both drink- and eatable and everything you need for living.
Every normal human being would think: "Richtig! Lightbulbs are the new convenience food and discotheques are the new restaurants. But not only Jasmuheen, other people believed that, too. Three of them died, when they tried to execute her 21-days-programme. Jasmuheen herself was under constant surveillance by a camera team and suggested they should lock her in to prove she needs neither eating or drinking. well done, jasmuheen: on day 5 they stopped the experiment, because she was totally dehydrated and talking even more nonsense than before.



This story about the breatharians inspired me. If there are so many people all around the world who believe that prana shit, they would also buy the extremely overpriced prana-pants in my online shop. and they would work in my factory and would accept their wage in lux.

Dear Jasmuheen, if you read this, while you have a big peace of prana with light cream, you are probably annoyed that you did not came up with that yourself. But you know what? I dont care. you can pick up your cosmic phone and complain to the Count of Saint Germain.

glossary
Richtig - Yeah, right!

some diseases are quite simply horrible. achillobursitis is as bad as tonsilitis or Fusspilz. but there are diseases that have something good in them. here are three examples of syndromes that can help you out of a schlamassel.

cataplexia
imagine this: your friend is telling you a very, very boring story. VERY boring, i mean. you fight it, but it doesnt help: you fall asleep. your friend wakes you up and is offended: "You never listen to me", he says. "Do you find my stories boring?"
Now you can answer: "Au contraire, my dear. I suffer from cataplexia, that means when i am very excited my muscle lose its tension. am i just a little excited, i can only not move my tongue, but listening to stories like yours make my whole body break down." and if you turn around and continue your nap, your friend will do anything but not be mad at you (probably he will proceed his blahblahblah).


always victims of stupid jokes: people with cataplexia


Balint-syndrome
you are drunk as hell, try to get your glass, miss it and knock it over. you look very confused at your clique. your friends look like a pulp of very beautiful colors. they laugh and say: "Go home, you are far too drunk." Here is what you can answer while you order the next round: "Friends, you are very wrong. Thats the balint syndrome. due to optic ataxy i cannot control my vision and my grip-moves. the reason, that i cannot look straight at one of you is therefore not the 17 screwdrivers but a very sad disease." they will shut up quicker that katie holmes when tom cruise lifts his hand and probably also pay for your next drinks.


Alien-Hand-syndrome
you are in a restaurant. the table next to you is full of stupid assholes being loud and annoying. you take a sip of your drink with your right hand, where as the left hand grabs a plate and smashes it onto the biggest assholes head. After the bleeding has stopped this asshole would probably very upset, but only till you explain:
"this is the alien-hand-syndrome, a neurological disturbance, because of which i am only able to control one of my hands."
and when he wanted to hit you in the first place, he will quick as the blitz apologize to you and probably give you a ride home (if you sit in the back).

glossary:
Fusspilz - Athlete's foot (at least this is what the dictionary says. weird)
Schlamassel - mess
blitz - flash

This happy young man is jie jie and obviously has three arms. it could have been worse: 4 kneecaps for example would be much less practicable. But mother earth gave him three arms, and that really was a gift. Think about what he can do with them:

- he can stir the pasta sauce WHILE he strains the spaghettis
- he can drink beer, smoke AND make out
- he can box like ali and will never get a liver punch
- he can applaude AND throw his hat in the air

The latter he will probably never do again. Because the doctors did not only take away those opportunities by removing his arm. These Blitzbirnen took away the more functional arm instead of the not so well developed. Hallo?


And as if Jie Jie knew what he will miss, he does not look too happy after the operation. i would love to know how his parents explain this to him.


glossary:
mit links machen - (literary translated: do something with the left hand) to do sth. blind fold
blitzbirnen - idiots
Hallo? - Hello?